When is the news not the news?

Sorry, just got to vent here a minute.  I do not get the newspaper.  Why, you ask?  Because first of all there is very little content worth reading in it.  Then there is the price which is completely out of reason.  But I stopped after the last big snow storm.  See, I live on a back acre and that means I have a very long walk up to the paper box.  I like to read it first thing in the morning so that would mean I would need to make the walk in the dark in my jammies.  That might be alright, but I worry a lot about the dogs that  people in the county let out at night and hope they be good.  Rabid dogs, marauding bears and stuff like that make the walk something that is not going to happen.  And I tried the old trick of getting Monday morning's paper out of the box Monday afternoon and laying it on the front porch and then being so happy to see it there, grabbing it and my coffee and opening it at the table to read.
I would first read the date.  Hmmm, Monday.  Glance at the calendar and I have nothing planned.  Now you should know that getting old is an astounding process in that you can fool yourself real easy.  So in order to make a Tuesday morning appointment, I had to write it on the calendar on Monday.  Course then when someone told me it was Tuesday and I remembered tricking myself with the paper thing, they thought I was insane.  So I gave that up.
Back to the paper.  Remember right before Christmas we had back to back snow storms?  Well, that long driveway sure came in as something I was not going to travel down.  So when I went to get the paper, I found it thrown on top of a snow drift.  Same thing the next day.  The third day came the second snow and so the paper was delivered to the drift again only now it was a little further down the road.  Well, finally the road by the paper box was cleared, but the delivery boy still continued to deliver it to the ditch.  Then the street under the ditch.  So, I just gave up.
Deciding to watch the news on television I learned another lesson; all 4 channels have a different concept of news.  Some are Liberal, some are conservative, some favor Colorado Springs,  some favor Pueblo, and one in particular favors God.  So let me do the online thing.  I can now know what one of the actresses wore on the runway back in 2001.  And did you know Dolly had a boob job?  And there are some who are actually up on the news, but a couple give new meaning to the word "news".  The one scrolling across the top of the screen now is very tiny.  If I tilt my head just right and get it in the center line on my trifocals, I am good to go.
But here is the biggest news flash of all...As I get older I am realizing that my sources of news really do not matter.  I don't care how much skin Demi showed ten years ago.  I can not do anything about the Middle East situation and that smiling little chickadee on the television is not too worried about it either.  If someone dies, surely some one will tell me in time that I can attend the service.  I put an ad in the classifieds and got one call so I am sure that $37.95 was well invested.  The social page just shows me there were a lot of parties that I was not invited to.  The Tuesday morning sale papers for the grocery stores are wasted on me cause I have Legree's right up the road a piece. 
That leaves the editor's page and opinions of the readers and dear Kenny taught me that opinions are just like the end of my digestive tract, everyone has one.  So rather than read the news, I may decide one of these days to just go out and make it! 
All this because the paper man chose not to drive up my drive way and leave the paper in my yard.  After all I was only a customer for 29 years, but in this day and age loyalty means jack!

Over sexed tarantula's loose on the Mesa.

Ok, I am making a special posting here, you know, deviating from my regular modus operands.  I read this in the newspaper, so I know it is true.  The Tarantula's are breeding out here on the Mesa and they are not one bit timid about it. either!

I have lived on this Mesa out here since 1982.  In all that time I have seen 2 Tarantula's near my house.  One wandered in and a son-in-law carried the other in the house.  Needless to say he also carried it out at my gentle urging.  You should know going in to this conversation that I do have a tad bit of a case of Arachnophobia.  This means the bigger the spider the more screaming and crying you will hear from this little body.

Now the article in the paper gave us a lot of useful information including the fact that it takes a male 5 years to mature.  I did not actually read the article because had I read it, I would have had nightmares for sure.  I do not want to read about them.  I do not want to think about them.  I only want to know why they are invading my space and I find it is because they are mating.  The mere fact that they are mating causes me to think there will be more of them.  I am about half way smart here on the breeding thing, having had 5 children of my own.

Now what I am wondering here is this; what shall I do if I see a breeding pair?  Shall I cheer them on in hopes of lots of babies?  Should I turn my back and give them privacy?  Should I stand there and extol the glories of safe sex?  I am thinking I wish I did not know how to read.  Or perhaps the Chieftain could write about something that does not cause visions of very hairy legs to come to my mind.  I am hoping this mating thing does not go on much longer.  I am actually praying for a hard freeze.  My life has lots of little turmoils as I scurry along towards the end of it and I can see if I must be on the lookout for giant spiders that I am not going to be able to watch where I am going and I could hurt my little self.

So, where ever you are tonight, be glad you are not out here in Colorado in the midst of this thing going on here.  And you might want to get me a room ready at your house, cause I think I may be moving on very soon!